THINGS NO ONE TELLS YOU ABOUT OWNING A DOG, by Kat Gunn (guest post)

“THINGS NO ONE TELLS YOU ABOUT OWNING A DOG:

Owning a dog is amazing. The bond between pooch and pup-parent can only be described as beautiful and all-consuming.

Life with a dog is fuelled by unconditional love, walks in the hills, picturesque picnics in wide open spaces whilst your furry soul mate frolics amongst the daisies, much to the glee of your delighted friends who quietly envy you and your furry family.

Wet, windy, shivery winter nights will be spent snuggled up with your human soul mate under a blanket with a hot chocolate whilst your beautiful canine companion stretches out quietly in front of a roaring log fire.

Dogs are soft and fluffy balls of cuteness that you just cannot help kissing at cuddling constantly.

You know you’ll provide the best food money can buy – the healthiest, most doggylicious food, the tastiest and healthiest treats. You’ll keep your dog happier than anyone else has ever kept a dog before. You will be Super Owner!

No… wait… sorry, that is what people THINK owning a dog will be like.

My bad.

HERE IS WHAT OWNING A DOG IS ACTUALLY LIKE…….

Owning a dog is largely about poo. The bond between pooch and pup-parent can only be described as a one way street of give and take.

You give food. The dog takes it.
The dog then gives you sh*t in return for said food. Literally.

Oh, and poo bags? It’s like they’re made of a material that is scientifically formulated to split the very moment they come into contact with a dump.

Life with a dog is fuelled by unconditional face licks (even after he has just licked his balls and you turn into a prize winning contortionist in an attempt to avoid getting tongued in the face). There will be walks up the steepest hills you have ever encountered, picturesque views of places you are by this point too bloody knackered to enjoy thanks to said hills and wide open spaces where your furry soul mate pisses off into the distance because that leaf flapping in the breeze half a mile away is WAAAAY more exciting than you will ever be. All this, much to the glee of your delighted friends who think it’s bloody hilarious and vow never to get a dog.

Wet, windy, shivery winter nights will be spent snuggled up with your human partner under a blanket with a large mug of neat vodka whilst your soggy canine companion spreadeagles himself balls first in front of your tacky old gas fire, drying himself off after the bath he needed having launched himself face first into a filthy, stinking, muddy puddle just ten minutes into today’s walk.
At least… you tell yourself that puddle was full of mud. Your nose then reminds you it was horse shit.

Dogs are cute and fluffy. So get used to eating an enormous quantity of dog hair. And forget wearing black clothing.
Or white clothing.
Or just clothes I guess.

They also aren’t always a thing you want to kiss or cuddle.
And do you know what NO ONE ever tells you? Boy dogs get boners.
Often inappropriately timed ones (is there EVER an appropriately timed dog-boner?!). Usually just as your friends arrive.
At this point, obviously they have to lick said boners.

Yeah. No kisses for that dog right now.

You know you’ll provide the very best food money can buy – the healthiest, most doggylicious food, the tastiest and healthiest treats.

Your research led you down the road of raw feeding. So now you spend at least one night a month chopping up such delicacies as cow lips, spleens, chicken hearts, lambs liver and the occasional testicle. You do this because you want to keep your dog happier and healthier than anyone else has ever kept a dog before.
Unfortunately, your dog occasionally decides that a particularly tasty morsel is best savoured later on in the comfort of his (your) bed.

You of course will remain oblivious of this until you get into bed and lay on a severed testicle. Which incidentally, is rather disgusting.

As for treats… healthy dog treats smell like arse.
Seriously.

The prefered arse-flavoured treat for many dogs is what I lovingly refer to as the ‘bum stick’. As many of you will recall, bum sticks are dried tripe sticks. And they smell like poo.

And rather like those previously mentioned and apparently delicious testes, bum sticks are best stored for later consumption in the bedroom.

The very BEST moment for your dog to choose to consume his carefully cached bum stick is of course the very moment that you and your partner are deeply *cough* engaged in a moment of passion. At this point, the pervading smell of bum stick is 100% guaranteed to prove itself as the single most effective contraceptive known to man as you both try to work out which one of you farted. At this point, you’ll also become aware that your dog is watching you.
This is also a fantastic contraceptive.

So there you have it folks.

Life as a dog owner: The facts.”

This was a guest post by a very witty and humorous young lady I know through my veterinary social media named Kat Gunn. Her friends say this is only one of countless hilarious things she writes and are trying to encourage her to blog herself about life, pets and motherhood.

Here’s what Kat herself has to say about herself and her dog:

“So… me…. I am the (very) wrong side of 25 and work as an Animal Management technician where I teach a bit and mostly look after the various occupants of the exotics house which range from endangered geckos and amphibians to large lizards and snakes and a colony of woodlice. I spend most of my life clearing up poo. In my spare time (when I am not clearing up poo), I love nothing more than having a quiet pint in my local pub and walking my dog (which incidentally usually results in more poo). I waited 12 long years to finally be in a position to get my own dog. After a lot of research, I ultimately decided on a lurcher. Logan the blue merle and white lurcher dropped into my life on the 15th of August 2015 and is lovingly referred to as “Spaghetti Legs”, “Logi-bear” and “Dear-god-please-don’t-eat-that”. Logan excels at flirting with passers by, stealing socks and farting in public. His favourite food is anything he finds on the floor and he really dislikes balloons”.

Please leave her some encouragement in the comments section if you liked this post! – Sean.